please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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