i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
it's like iHOP with fire
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
