Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
