I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
