My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
