everyone is single if you try hard enough
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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