and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
