I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
