so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
