One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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