Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
