he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
last night I used snow as a chaser
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
