I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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