I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
