I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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