I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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