My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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