someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
