Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
