I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
