Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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