tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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