Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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