the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
