saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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