I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
