we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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