her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
