I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
