Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
