a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Green mimosas i think yes
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
