If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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