Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
