Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
