Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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