what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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