Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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