I love black thongs
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
