I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
