At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize