now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
