just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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