Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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