I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize