4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
