girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
