I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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