I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
