Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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