She's JV to your varsity
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
