Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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