I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
