I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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