I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I forget how to act sober
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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