My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize