I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
