I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
