She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
