So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
