We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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