if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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