So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize